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A joke for Stephanie S

Posted by Scott R on 6/03/01 at 12:14 (049752)

I heard the military folk (non-montgomerians) tell a funny on our friend Alabama yesterday:

'Did you hear that Alabama joke?'
'I've heard a lot of Alabama jokes.'
'You know what they say about Alabama?'
'No, what?'
'A river runs through it.'

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Stephanie S. on 6/03/01 at 14:06 (049767)

Scott..stop...I don't know that I can take much more of your 'funnies'...tee hee. Your killing me!! Hey, you know what...I remember a certain someone that 'was crazy bout' you'...I think you know 'who' I'm talking about...you dated her for years...why not give her a call and see what she's been up to lately?

Let me make a suggestion to you...don't 'fake' who you are...be yourself...the right gal is out there...it's just finding her Scott. I know your expectation's must be extremely high...and I don't blame you for that. Don't settle...You are a great person...your just so unbelievably intelligent...that maybe sometimes it's hard for women to read you the right way...and...they probably feel they can't match up to you. You've got a dry humor about yourself...it's hard to read between the lines..and determine...'Okay, is he being funny...or serious'..you know I've taken things wrong a few times with you...(sorry). I think sometimes people that are so bright as yourself...have a hard time just cuttin' loose..with people like me..just being carefree and having fun! You should come up to the ballpark sometime..to watch our girls play ball..there's alot of ladies up there..( yikes..but if they are...more than likely their girls are playing too, huh...ok..not necessarily...maybe it's their nieces playing ball).

I think your going about it the right way...trying to meet up with ladies..things that interest you...would interest someone your looking for a relationship with. You know what I'm saying here?

Like the idea of the kayaking ( I know I so totally misspelled that word...forgive me)...and hangin' with singles that are in the military...if your church is as small as I read into it...doesn't sound like much possiblities there....umm...

I would however LOVE to hear your response to Dr. Z's question..tee hee..would be really interesting...Mr. Relaxed with his postings.....

Sorry to hear of the cat...she did hang round' a long time didn't she? Hope all is well with you...I'll keep my eyes out...never know...I might come across someone and think to myself 'This would be a great date for Scott'!!!

Stephanie S.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

wendyn on 6/03/01 at 16:09 (049777)

Just my two cents...

I never really dated anyone who I hadn't been friends with for at least a year first. That wasn't intentional - just the way it worked out.

Having a friendship first allows you to just be yourself - without any of the games or acting that dating often involves.

Instead of looking for 'a date' how about looking to expend your circle of friends to include more women? Chances are you'll establish some great friendships - and maybe even one that could eventually lead to more.

My teenage son has a best friend who also happens to be a girl. Although most likely they will just stay friends - it is a great way for him to learn about things from a female perspective.

Trust me - it's been a real eye opener for him over the last year!

Re: Another stupid typo

wendyn on 6/03/01 at 16:11 (049778)

'Expand' your circle of friends

NOT

'Expend' your circle of friends.

Never want to expend friends...that would be bad.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Scott R on 6/03/01 at 18:17 (049779)

I had typed a long response and stuff, but the power went out and I lost it.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

john h on 6/03/01 at 18:55 (049782)

when i was young and dating if i had been friends with someone for a year before i dated i would still be a bachelor. i moved about 15 times before i got married and 24 times after. you do not sit still very long in the military.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Stephanie S. on 6/03/01 at 19:55 (049793)

No excuse....retype it....:)

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Scott R on 6/03/01 at 23:01 (049801)

I'm always funny and serious at the same time. I'm not that smart, it's just my hoity-toity airs, being the white trash that I am. Actually, I'm starting to think I'm not at all compatable with women born into money. My last date with one was OK, but it was so un-romantic that my humor led me to say at the end 'Should I kiss you goodnight?' Her reply 'ummm, I don't think we're that way.' I don't even think she saw my humor, but she is pretty smart. Doctors and lawyers aer littered throughout her family tree just like the high-school graduates in mine. Insert a Homer Smipson yoo-hoo yell here.

Are 20-year-old women too young for a 34 year-old? I sometimes get the impression they want me to ask them out or something. But I never see ads that indicate 34 is OK. What does it mean when a girl starts flashing her beaded tongue at you?

I was nibbling on a woman's neck a little while back and when I pushed her hair behind her ear to start working on that, she whispered something insecure about her ear being too big. I whispered back 'no it's not' and she insisted in a louder whisper 'yes it is', so I completely stopped my nibbling and such and backed-up like I was trying to get a better view of it and exclamined 'Oh my GOD!! That's the biggest FUCKIN ear I've ever seen in my whole LIFE!' Her eyes got as big as grapes and her mouth dropped open and her hand went up over her mouth and then she screamed in laughter. I then calmly insisted it wasn't a big ear or that it was at least smaller than mine. She said I was wrong. I looked around like I was looking for something to measure them with, she caught on and made me get a ruler! It was bigger than mine.

That's the only date story I can tell that's not too coarse.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

wendyn on 6/03/01 at 23:15 (049803)

That is quite the story Scott.

Ahem.

My husband is 10 years older than I am - it's fine.

Little tip for you - most women (and we can take a vote here) DO NOT like having ANYTHING in or around their ears. They seem to be very different than most men that way (who on average don't seem to find it offensive). A lot of women find the sound of tastebuds to be quite revolting. I'm not kidding - this has been the topic of the odd conversation in my circle of friends (yes we discuss very strange things).

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Laurie R on 6/03/01 at 23:54 (049810)

To funny Scott!!!!!!

Re: Ears yes, age difference no

Julie on 6/04/01 at 03:31 (049820)

Wendy, I agree with you about ears, but not about age difference. My husband is 13 years older than I am, and it was fine when we met and married: I was 27, he was 40. Our marriage is still fine, but now that I'm 66 and he's 78, I'm terribly aware of the age difference and dreading a (likely) future without him. I apologize for casting a shadow on this mostly humorous thread, but it really is something for Scott's 20-year-olds to think about. Not that they will - no-one ever thinks they're going to get old!

Re: Ears yes, age difference no

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 08:32 (049823)

The bright side is that we're sure to be divorced by then. (note that this is another example of my serious humor.)

Re: another funny

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 09:09 (049826)

Ya'll can say that about the ears (mainly the earlobes and below and behind the ear), but I can only say the proof is in the (clearing throat) pudding.

One time I was with a woman who likes to claim she is fat and wants me to acknowledge it. Seriously. So one day she was [censored] so I went 'BEEP!-BEEP!-BEEP!' like a truck was backing up. She fell to her stomach dying of laughter.

OK, OK, I can't stop. One time I was holding an injured duck and there was a feather flying right before she reached to give me a drink through her straw because she had just hand-fed me my picnic-lunch. I flinched because of the feather and she thought I was being finicky about drinking after her, so she says 'Aww come-on, I think we've been through enough that it's OK to drink after me.' This makes me a little miffed because I'm already holding a squawking duck that she wanted me to hold while waiting for the humane society to arrive, and there's a nasty feather from the beast flying in my face, so I said 'At least you didn't .... me on the first date.' The funny part is that this was the 18th hour of our blind date and that she did. I couldn't see the eyes this time (she had on shades), but the mouth did gape open and the hand went up to cover her mouth but it slowly turned into a library whisper gesture with one finger. Silence followed and the topic of discussion changed. I was only BARELY forgiven for that one.

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Donna M. on 6/04/01 at 11:00 (049841)

Sorry this post is so long, but I fiqured some would get a kick out of it since you Scott, are trying to get 'hooked up' with somebody!! :) Some of this is slightly off, but hits the mark on a lot of things~~especially for 2001!!

> What a difference 50 years can make! The following is from an actual
1950's
> Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how
to
> prepare for married life.
>
>
> 1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
> delicious
> meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been
> thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are
hungry
> when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm
> welcome needed.
>
> 2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when
> he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh

> looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little
gay
> and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
>
> 3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of the
> house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
> paper, etc.
> Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has
> reached
> a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
>
> 4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands

> and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change
their
> clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing
> the
> part.
>
> 5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

> washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Greet
> him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.
>
>
> 6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
> complain
> if he's late for dinner.
> Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that
day.
>
> 7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
> suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
> him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,

> soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
>
> 8. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment

> of
> his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
>
> 9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to
> dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his
> world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
>
> 10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your

> husband can relax.
>
>
> *****************************************************
> WELCOME TO 2001!
>
> 1. HAVE DINNER READY: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes
> too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like
to
> eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy
and
> gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
>
> 2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes into
> something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . . . after
all,
> it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.
>
> 3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if
they
> want maid service, they better call one!
>
> 4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Send the children to their rooms to watch
> television or play Nintendo.
>
> 5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: Yell to him over the loud music your kids are
> playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. And
> mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the
> first
> place.
>
> 6. SOME Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
> speak
> first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh
in
> his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner,
simply
> remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes
for
> him to do.
>
> 7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's
cold.
> This will really show you care.
>
> 8. LISTEN TO HIM: But don't ever let him get the last word.
>
> 9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to
> dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping
> (use
> his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase 'Girls' Night Out!'
>
> 10. THE GOAL: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he
> only
> thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves
> around you.
>
>

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Richard, C.Ped on 6/04/01 at 11:48 (049846)

I don't know about the 2001 version. I think the 1950's is better. It should be followed by both the husband and wife though. There is no 50/50 in marriage. It is 100/100.
Richard

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Donna M. on 6/04/01 at 13:51 (049873)

These young women now days probably will think I am awful, but I agree with you, I think the 1950's version is better! I also think one thing wrong with marriages today is that the women are to busy trying to wear the men's pants and not handling their real role in the marriage!

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 14:13 (049877)

Although I like the new version better, I think we should all remember the immortal words of Cartman:

http://millennium.fortunecity.com/rainbow/264/sounds/makepie.wav

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Richard, C.Ped on 6/04/01 at 14:14 (049878)

yeah, I think the husband should treat the wife the same way. When I come home from a long day, I am not expecting dinner to be on the table. My wife works just as hard. If she is tired, I will make dinner. It works out great. It is those little things you do for each other that really helps the marriage.
Richard

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Richard, C.Ped on 6/04/01 at 15:34 (049885)

It must be my computer (maybe the user). I can't open the link.
Richard

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 16:36 (049894)

Here's the transcript:
'I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! You get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make me some PIE!''

Remember, that's not me, it's just my humor.

Re: another funny

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:17 (049916)

So Scott, you really are making some changes to your website. The topic of conversation should definitely increase hits. Hearing Scott Forum should keep things cooking for awhile. I don't know how many orthotics it will sell but it will at least be entertaining.

Denise

A man on a picnic holding a duck. His girlfriend says...

Ok, I've been thinking about this ear thing. Since Wendy asked for votes. I guess it would depend on how noisy and how sloppy. Enough said.

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:21 (049919)

I'm with you...

If people really stopped and just read that I don't think most would disagree with it's premise. Who wouldn't rather come home to calmness, niceness, a good laugh, and some affection. Much better than nagging and a honey-do list.

I'm all for courtesy from each other to each other!

Denise

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:23 (049921)

Hey, your link didn't work. They killed it, those b------s!

Let's see if you can figure that one out Scott.

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:29 (049922)

Wow, Scott the inmate-corresponding women of America are now going to be very attracted to you.

Yow.

Re: another funny

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 20:39 (049925)

but only those who've had me kissing their ears should vote. Women over 40 don't count cause I don't have to kiss their ears. To tell the truth I took some DHEA and caffiene this morn so I could get more done today. My testosterone level is probably triple it's normal value. It increases sex drive and aggression. I've had the 'Do you think you're better off alone...oooh oo hoooo.....talk to me' song playing for 4 hours now. I'm trying alcohol and Kava to calm down and make sleep possible. I go to mobile tomorrow. This is one of those nights where one shouldn't leave the house if one doesn't want to end up in jail. Good thing Budd's shut down. Maybe I'll assume a different persona and start a new message board. I haven't even started lying yet. It's time for a party.

Re: another funny

Dr. Zuckerman on 6/04/01 at 22:02 (049942)

Ok the heel pain is gone but is heelspurs.com still here haha . I am loving this thread !!!

Re: Scott

Laurie R on 6/05/01 at 01:36 (049949)

Hi Scott , You sure have really jumped out of your shell........ At first I thought it was another Scott R ...You are to funny..... I have never seen you talk like this... It is not a bad thing at all .... You have always been so serious ,now that you have relaxed you will meet the right woman for you.... Have a good night ..Laurie R

Re: Got the joke, Scott. EOM

Julie on 6/05/01 at 03:15 (049960)



Re: Scott

Scott R on 6/05/01 at 06:38 (049963)

Well, I'm awake and feeling more normal now. I bet it's even safe for warm bodies to walk into my house now. Laurie and Dr Z may like the thread but I'm sure some others didn't like it. Gotta go to mobile now. It's my favorite port city in Alabama. I'm going to drive around Axis and LeMoyne scouting for ambient air monitoring locations. Got my topos ready and my handheld PC for work on the book tonight.

Re: another funny

ellen on 6/05/01 at 09:46 (049982)

Scott,

Since women over 40 are more experienced, ours should be the only vote that counts!
ellen

Re: Scott

Laurie R on 6/05/01 at 11:25 (049990)

Your right Scott, but you can't please everyone all the time. It is cool to act crazy once in a while and be funny to get our minds off the pain.You did this ,so thank you my friend. Laurie R

Re: another funny

john h on 6/05/01 at 16:08 (050003)

where am i? have i fallen into some black hole? scott-what are you smoking? what is all this kissing earlobes and darting tounges with pierced rings? am i on heelspurs.com or hornyspurs.com? i think i have fallen down and can't get up. i must be dreaming!

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Richard, C.Ped on 6/05/01 at 16:20 (050006)

No tongue rings, studs or whatever these kids are doing these days. 'These kids', man I am 32 and I have already turned into my parents. I guess I am getting ready when mine comes soon.
Richard

Re: Scott

DeniseA on 6/05/01 at 16:24 (050007)

Well I was laughing!

Denise

Re: Life

john h on 6/05/01 at 16:33 (050012)

Men wake up as good -looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one-dollar for two-dollar item she does not want.
When a man falls in love he wants to go to bed.
When a woman falls in love she wants to talk about it.
It is not true men prefer foolish women, rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary which is the very core of intelligence!

Re: another funny

JudyS on 6/06/01 at 11:01 (050069)

Ah Scott - you have SO much to look forward to......FYI, women over 40 are much better at appreciating ear-kisses - those youngsters have no idea what pleasure is all about.....of course, it DOES depend, to a great extent, on WHO is doing the kissing........

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Scott R on 6/06/01 at 18:59 (050105)

I just realized why I didn't Stephanie's questions directly. The last time she saw me in person was a few months ago and I was nearly virgin because I had not yet run into all those internet women.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Cindy H on 6/07/01 at 10:36 (050148)

No kidding. My dearest friend while living in Los Angeles was my male platonic friend Buddy. He was also originally from OK and we were both musicians and became like hand-picked first cousins...maybe even siblings. By the by, I wound up meeting my now husband and partner in music and other crime thru Buddy. Buddy and Dave (now husby) had been in a band together in OK in the early 80's and I saw some old photos and asked about the bass player. So, I while in CA met a fellow Oklahoman who'd never laid foot in CA....and we hit it off.

Circle of friends and widening it can be a groovy thing. My best advice is to work on self-esteem, then you'll carry yourself better and just let life happen, living in the 'precious present moment.' I'm presently doing the 'Attacking Anxiety' program.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Stephanie S. on 6/03/01 at 14:06 (049767)

Scott..stop...I don't know that I can take much more of your 'funnies'...tee hee. Your killing me!! Hey, you know what...I remember a certain someone that 'was crazy bout' you'...I think you know 'who' I'm talking about...you dated her for years...why not give her a call and see what she's been up to lately?

Let me make a suggestion to you...don't 'fake' who you are...be yourself...the right gal is out there...it's just finding her Scott. I know your expectation's must be extremely high...and I don't blame you for that. Don't settle...You are a great person...your just so unbelievably intelligent...that maybe sometimes it's hard for women to read you the right way...and...they probably feel they can't match up to you. You've got a dry humor about yourself...it's hard to read between the lines..and determine...'Okay, is he being funny...or serious'..you know I've taken things wrong a few times with you...(sorry). I think sometimes people that are so bright as yourself...have a hard time just cuttin' loose..with people like me..just being carefree and having fun! You should come up to the ballpark sometime..to watch our girls play ball..there's alot of ladies up there..( yikes..but if they are...more than likely their girls are playing too, huh...ok..not necessarily...maybe it's their nieces playing ball).

I think your going about it the right way...trying to meet up with ladies..things that interest you...would interest someone your looking for a relationship with. You know what I'm saying here?

Like the idea of the kayaking ( I know I so totally misspelled that word...forgive me)...and hangin' with singles that are in the military...if your church is as small as I read into it...doesn't sound like much possiblities there....umm...

I would however LOVE to hear your response to Dr. Z's question..tee hee..would be really interesting...Mr. Relaxed with his postings.....

Sorry to hear of the cat...she did hang round' a long time didn't she? Hope all is well with you...I'll keep my eyes out...never know...I might come across someone and think to myself 'This would be a great date for Scott'!!!

Stephanie S.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

wendyn on 6/03/01 at 16:09 (049777)

Just my two cents...

I never really dated anyone who I hadn't been friends with for at least a year first. That wasn't intentional - just the way it worked out.

Having a friendship first allows you to just be yourself - without any of the games or acting that dating often involves.

Instead of looking for 'a date' how about looking to expend your circle of friends to include more women? Chances are you'll establish some great friendships - and maybe even one that could eventually lead to more.

My teenage son has a best friend who also happens to be a girl. Although most likely they will just stay friends - it is a great way for him to learn about things from a female perspective.

Trust me - it's been a real eye opener for him over the last year!

Re: Another stupid typo

wendyn on 6/03/01 at 16:11 (049778)

'Expand' your circle of friends

NOT

'Expend' your circle of friends.

Never want to expend friends...that would be bad.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Scott R on 6/03/01 at 18:17 (049779)

I had typed a long response and stuff, but the power went out and I lost it.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

john h on 6/03/01 at 18:55 (049782)

when i was young and dating if i had been friends with someone for a year before i dated i would still be a bachelor. i moved about 15 times before i got married and 24 times after. you do not sit still very long in the military.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Stephanie S. on 6/03/01 at 19:55 (049793)

No excuse....retype it....:)

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Scott R on 6/03/01 at 23:01 (049801)

I'm always funny and serious at the same time. I'm not that smart, it's just my hoity-toity airs, being the white trash that I am. Actually, I'm starting to think I'm not at all compatable with women born into money. My last date with one was OK, but it was so un-romantic that my humor led me to say at the end 'Should I kiss you goodnight?' Her reply 'ummm, I don't think we're that way.' I don't even think she saw my humor, but she is pretty smart. Doctors and lawyers aer littered throughout her family tree just like the high-school graduates in mine. Insert a Homer Smipson yoo-hoo yell here.

Are 20-year-old women too young for a 34 year-old? I sometimes get the impression they want me to ask them out or something. But I never see ads that indicate 34 is OK. What does it mean when a girl starts flashing her beaded tongue at you?

I was nibbling on a woman's neck a little while back and when I pushed her hair behind her ear to start working on that, she whispered something insecure about her ear being too big. I whispered back 'no it's not' and she insisted in a louder whisper 'yes it is', so I completely stopped my nibbling and such and backed-up like I was trying to get a better view of it and exclamined 'Oh my GOD!! That's the biggest FUCKIN ear I've ever seen in my whole LIFE!' Her eyes got as big as grapes and her mouth dropped open and her hand went up over her mouth and then she screamed in laughter. I then calmly insisted it wasn't a big ear or that it was at least smaller than mine. She said I was wrong. I looked around like I was looking for something to measure them with, she caught on and made me get a ruler! It was bigger than mine.

That's the only date story I can tell that's not too coarse.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

wendyn on 6/03/01 at 23:15 (049803)

That is quite the story Scott.

Ahem.

My husband is 10 years older than I am - it's fine.

Little tip for you - most women (and we can take a vote here) DO NOT like having ANYTHING in or around their ears. They seem to be very different than most men that way (who on average don't seem to find it offensive). A lot of women find the sound of tastebuds to be quite revolting. I'm not kidding - this has been the topic of the odd conversation in my circle of friends (yes we discuss very strange things).

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Laurie R on 6/03/01 at 23:54 (049810)

To funny Scott!!!!!!

Re: Ears yes, age difference no

Julie on 6/04/01 at 03:31 (049820)

Wendy, I agree with you about ears, but not about age difference. My husband is 13 years older than I am, and it was fine when we met and married: I was 27, he was 40. Our marriage is still fine, but now that I'm 66 and he's 78, I'm terribly aware of the age difference and dreading a (likely) future without him. I apologize for casting a shadow on this mostly humorous thread, but it really is something for Scott's 20-year-olds to think about. Not that they will - no-one ever thinks they're going to get old!

Re: Ears yes, age difference no

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 08:32 (049823)

The bright side is that we're sure to be divorced by then. (note that this is another example of my serious humor.)

Re: another funny

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 09:09 (049826)

Ya'll can say that about the ears (mainly the earlobes and below and behind the ear), but I can only say the proof is in the (clearing throat) pudding.

One time I was with a woman who likes to claim she is fat and wants me to acknowledge it. Seriously. So one day she was [censored] so I went 'BEEP!-BEEP!-BEEP!' like a truck was backing up. She fell to her stomach dying of laughter.

OK, OK, I can't stop. One time I was holding an injured duck and there was a feather flying right before she reached to give me a drink through her straw because she had just hand-fed me my picnic-lunch. I flinched because of the feather and she thought I was being finicky about drinking after her, so she says 'Aww come-on, I think we've been through enough that it's OK to drink after me.' This makes me a little miffed because I'm already holding a squawking duck that she wanted me to hold while waiting for the humane society to arrive, and there's a nasty feather from the beast flying in my face, so I said 'At least you didn't .... me on the first date.' The funny part is that this was the 18th hour of our blind date and that she did. I couldn't see the eyes this time (she had on shades), but the mouth did gape open and the hand went up to cover her mouth but it slowly turned into a library whisper gesture with one finger. Silence followed and the topic of discussion changed. I was only BARELY forgiven for that one.

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Donna M. on 6/04/01 at 11:00 (049841)

Sorry this post is so long, but I fiqured some would get a kick out of it since you Scott, are trying to get 'hooked up' with somebody!! :) Some of this is slightly off, but hits the mark on a lot of things~~especially for 2001!!

> What a difference 50 years can make! The following is from an actual
1950's
> Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how
to
> prepare for married life.
>
>
> 1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
> delicious
> meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been
> thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are
hungry
> when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm
> welcome needed.
>
> 2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when
> he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh

> looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little
gay
> and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
>
> 3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of the
> house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
> paper, etc.
> Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has
> reached
> a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
>
> 4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands

> and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change
their
> clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing
> the
> part.
>
> 5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of

> washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Greet
> him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.
>
>
> 6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
> complain
> if he's late for dinner.
> Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that
day.
>
> 7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
> suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
> him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,

> soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
>
> 8. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment

> of
> his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
>
> 9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to
> dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his
> world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
>
> 10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your

> husband can relax.
>
>
> *****************************************************
> WELCOME TO 2001!
>
> 1. HAVE DINNER READY: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes
> too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like
to
> eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy
and
> gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
>
> 2. PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes into
> something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . . . after
all,
> it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.
>
> 3. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if
they
> want maid service, they better call one!
>
> 4. PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Send the children to their rooms to watch
> television or play Nintendo.
>
> 5. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: Yell to him over the loud music your kids are
> playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. And
> mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the
> first
> place.
>
> 6. SOME Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
> speak
> first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh
in
> his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner,
simply
> remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes
for
> him to do.
>
> 7. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's
cold.
> This will really show you care.
>
> 8. LISTEN TO HIM: But don't ever let him get the last word.
>
> 9. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to
> dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping
> (use
> his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase 'Girls' Night Out!'
>
> 10. THE GOAL: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he
> only
> thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves
> around you.
>
>

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Richard, C.Ped on 6/04/01 at 11:48 (049846)

I don't know about the 2001 version. I think the 1950's is better. It should be followed by both the husband and wife though. There is no 50/50 in marriage. It is 100/100.
Richard

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Donna M. on 6/04/01 at 13:51 (049873)

These young women now days probably will think I am awful, but I agree with you, I think the 1950's version is better! I also think one thing wrong with marriages today is that the women are to busy trying to wear the men's pants and not handling their real role in the marriage!

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 14:13 (049877)

Although I like the new version better, I think we should all remember the immortal words of Cartman:

http://millennium.fortunecity.com/rainbow/264/sounds/makepie.wav

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Richard, C.Ped on 6/04/01 at 14:14 (049878)

yeah, I think the husband should treat the wife the same way. When I come home from a long day, I am not expecting dinner to be on the table. My wife works just as hard. If she is tired, I will make dinner. It works out great. It is those little things you do for each other that really helps the marriage.
Richard

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Richard, C.Ped on 6/04/01 at 15:34 (049885)

It must be my computer (maybe the user). I can't open the link.
Richard

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 16:36 (049894)

Here's the transcript:
'I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! You get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make me some PIE!''

Remember, that's not me, it's just my humor.

Re: another funny

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:17 (049916)

So Scott, you really are making some changes to your website. The topic of conversation should definitely increase hits. Hearing Scott Forum should keep things cooking for awhile. I don't know how many orthotics it will sell but it will at least be entertaining.

Denise

A man on a picnic holding a duck. His girlfriend says...

Ok, I've been thinking about this ear thing. Since Wendy asked for votes. I guess it would depend on how noisy and how sloppy. Enough said.

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:21 (049919)

I'm with you...

If people really stopped and just read that I don't think most would disagree with it's premise. Who wouldn't rather come home to calmness, niceness, a good laugh, and some affection. Much better than nagging and a honey-do list.

I'm all for courtesy from each other to each other!

Denise

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:23 (049921)

Hey, your link didn't work. They killed it, those b------s!

Let's see if you can figure that one out Scott.

Re: another funny/50 Years EXTREME Differences!

DeniseA on 6/04/01 at 20:29 (049922)

Wow, Scott the inmate-corresponding women of America are now going to be very attracted to you.

Yow.

Re: another funny

Scott R on 6/04/01 at 20:39 (049925)

but only those who've had me kissing their ears should vote. Women over 40 don't count cause I don't have to kiss their ears. To tell the truth I took some DHEA and caffiene this morn so I could get more done today. My testosterone level is probably triple it's normal value. It increases sex drive and aggression. I've had the 'Do you think you're better off alone...oooh oo hoooo.....talk to me' song playing for 4 hours now. I'm trying alcohol and Kava to calm down and make sleep possible. I go to mobile tomorrow. This is one of those nights where one shouldn't leave the house if one doesn't want to end up in jail. Good thing Budd's shut down. Maybe I'll assume a different persona and start a new message board. I haven't even started lying yet. It's time for a party.

Re: another funny

Dr. Zuckerman on 6/04/01 at 22:02 (049942)

Ok the heel pain is gone but is heelspurs.com still here haha . I am loving this thread !!!

Re: Scott

Laurie R on 6/05/01 at 01:36 (049949)

Hi Scott , You sure have really jumped out of your shell........ At first I thought it was another Scott R ...You are to funny..... I have never seen you talk like this... It is not a bad thing at all .... You have always been so serious ,now that you have relaxed you will meet the right woman for you.... Have a good night ..Laurie R

Re: Got the joke, Scott. EOM

Julie on 6/05/01 at 03:15 (049960)



Re: Scott

Scott R on 6/05/01 at 06:38 (049963)

Well, I'm awake and feeling more normal now. I bet it's even safe for warm bodies to walk into my house now. Laurie and Dr Z may like the thread but I'm sure some others didn't like it. Gotta go to mobile now. It's my favorite port city in Alabama. I'm going to drive around Axis and LeMoyne scouting for ambient air monitoring locations. Got my topos ready and my handheld PC for work on the book tonight.

Re: another funny

ellen on 6/05/01 at 09:46 (049982)

Scott,

Since women over 40 are more experienced, ours should be the only vote that counts!
ellen

Re: Scott

Laurie R on 6/05/01 at 11:25 (049990)

Your right Scott, but you can't please everyone all the time. It is cool to act crazy once in a while and be funny to get our minds off the pain.You did this ,so thank you my friend. Laurie R

Re: another funny

john h on 6/05/01 at 16:08 (050003)

where am i? have i fallen into some black hole? scott-what are you smoking? what is all this kissing earlobes and darting tounges with pierced rings? am i on heelspurs.com or hornyspurs.com? i think i have fallen down and can't get up. i must be dreaming!

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Richard, C.Ped on 6/05/01 at 16:20 (050006)

No tongue rings, studs or whatever these kids are doing these days. 'These kids', man I am 32 and I have already turned into my parents. I guess I am getting ready when mine comes soon.
Richard

Re: Scott

DeniseA on 6/05/01 at 16:24 (050007)

Well I was laughing!

Denise

Re: Life

john h on 6/05/01 at 16:33 (050012)

Men wake up as good -looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one-dollar for two-dollar item she does not want.
When a man falls in love he wants to go to bed.
When a woman falls in love she wants to talk about it.
It is not true men prefer foolish women, rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary which is the very core of intelligence!

Re: another funny

JudyS on 6/06/01 at 11:01 (050069)

Ah Scott - you have SO much to look forward to......FYI, women over 40 are much better at appreciating ear-kisses - those youngsters have no idea what pleasure is all about.....of course, it DOES depend, to a great extent, on WHO is doing the kissing........

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Scott R on 6/06/01 at 18:59 (050105)

I just realized why I didn't Stephanie's questions directly. The last time she saw me in person was a few months ago and I was nearly virgin because I had not yet run into all those internet women.

Re: A joke for Stephanie S

Cindy H on 6/07/01 at 10:36 (050148)

No kidding. My dearest friend while living in Los Angeles was my male platonic friend Buddy. He was also originally from OK and we were both musicians and became like hand-picked first cousins...maybe even siblings. By the by, I wound up meeting my now husband and partner in music and other crime thru Buddy. Buddy and Dave (now husby) had been in a band together in OK in the early 80's and I saw some old photos and asked about the bass player. So, I while in CA met a fellow Oklahoman who'd never laid foot in CA....and we hit it off.

Circle of friends and widening it can be a groovy thing. My best advice is to work on self-esteem, then you'll carry yourself better and just let life happen, living in the 'precious present moment.' I'm presently doing the 'Attacking Anxiety' program.