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A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Posted by Tammie on 12/04/01 at 11:57 (066096)

It is from my heart that i say I am sorry to those I may have hurt in there trying to offer help to me. I guess I could try to explain but then How can I when it is me? Yes I understand and have said many times before I do tend to have trouble hearing or reading what is needed when it comes to things I feel I rather not hear. I cant help this it is like a protective shield or something. I do want you all to know that I do go back and reread several times later after the intital posting. As sometimes then I hear or read more if u understand what I mean. It is hard to read a persons tone even tho u know they care! I cannot offer anything but this to those I may have hurt.

I am truly sorry and that all in all I do know that advice is offered in good intentions and I appreciate it even tho I may not voice it at first. When someone gets some news they do not like or want to hear it hurts and it makes u angry so then a lash out , or maybe a different way of dealing with it. I have never had a illness or a medical condition that has ever kept me down or hurt me as this . It has effected my life in thousands of ways and I am having a very difficult time dealing with it. I also hear what is being said but I hear others with there troubles and I hear what the dr. has said to me so I am intertwining allot together .

My job to some would be equal to running or some type of personal joy in life not only the needed income. So I guess the fear would be to those who have had to give up there loves, I hope this makes sense. There is allot of emotional baggage with this foot deal which noone would ever guess. It does make a horrific change in ones total life. I am sorry I may seem self piety or self righeous to some, But I am trying very hard to hold things together in any way I can when your world is crumbling and u have no control it is very very scary and hard to deal with. Please be patient with me as I will learn from all that are kind enough and patient enough to teach me the way, I have entered faith in my life which is a soothing emotional part. But the pain and turmoil is abundent and still robbing me of all resonable thought process. I jsut feel so sorry that some might feel i ignored there help or concern, I would never intentionally hurt a soul. Please forgive me as I continue to learn and deal with this whole baggage. I have done step one right> Admit there is a problem, now to step 2 I made a appt. with a dr. maybe can help with some of the emotional baggage. Please be patient and kind.

Julie and Janet and Brian and Carole ,Elliott , Laurie, Especially here who have posted to me if I miss anyone forgive me . But I do appreciate what you have tried to convey to me and am trying very hard to go thru it and deal with it a little at a time. Thank u and please read this as it is geared to you all. Hugs to u all

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

rebecca h on 12/04/01 at 12:24 (066100)

Just wanted to say that I sortof understand. I have only been dealing with pf for a few months but it has changed so many things about my life. I've had to say no to so many things I normally love and its hard for my children and my friends to understand. I have been fighting depression and feeling very isolated. Actually this message board has helped me alot in that area. At least now I know I'm not crazy and I'm not making up this pain! There are alot of other people that are dealing with it too. I felt like I was the only person in the world with this weird condition until I found this website. And then when people ask you 'Well how did you hurt your feet?' and you can't tell them anything specific they think well it must not be anything serious but it is and there's no way they can understand unless they have had something similar. Also when you are in pain for a long time it wears on you. It tends to make me really irritable and hard to live with even though normally I'm a pretty nice person! Anyway, from one foot sufferer to another I do wish you the best and hope you can find some answers.
sincerely,
rebecca h

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Necee on 12/04/01 at 12:48 (066103)

Tammie,
I hope and pray that you find some comfort from the struggles in your life.
You have made a wonderful start by seeking a good Dr. I will be praying that with Gods help and the love and support of all of us here, you will get through this. God never promised us that through life we would be spared pain and suffering, what he did promise us is that he would always be with us.
So when your days seem darkened by struggles and life gets rough, may you find comfort in knowing that God is right there with you. I feel so blessed to have you as my friend, you have lifted me up more than you'll ever know, and made what seemed like an endless battle with PF so much easier to cope with.
So for all that you mean to me, I love you for it and thank you for our special friendship.
with love and many prayers,
Necee
Necee

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Carole C on 12/04/01 at 13:21 (066107)

Tammie, no need to apologize. You do belong here. I know I have posted various things that might have been expressed a little differently if it weren't for the pain. Pain is such a MONSTER!! We've been there!

One day at a time. (hugs)

Carole

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

BrianG on 12/04/01 at 17:11 (066123)

Hi Tammy,

This pain, this wretched pain, sometimes makes us say and do things that we would never, ever normally think about doing. Please continue to look for that cure, somehow balancing your life around the healing process. I know sometimes I may have come across as if I thought you should quit your job. I'd hate to see you loose the one thing that means the most to you. I sincerely hope that you can find that balance between healing, and continuing on with your life. Did I really call you a 'stubborn cuss'!! My, my, time to wash my mouth out with a good old bar of Lava soap :*)

Please stick around
BCG

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Tammie on 12/04/01 at 17:41 (066128)

I am sticking around and hehe I am what i am and stubborn cuss is a start.
Oh you have that right and sometimes it is more then the physical pain more of a combination that really sets u off so starting with one step . A visit with a dr. on the 20 then from there we shall see. Oh I made a promise to myself I hope that i can keep it to, I am going to try very hard to be better to my feet, with starting with keeping my work hrs down as much as I can limit, and if at all possible get off foot more there even if putting foot up on a chair while doing things. Not much but a start ok? No no wash the mouth out u called it as u seen it I understand . Hugs to u and thanks for understanding and forgiving me for being a ungrateful brat.

Re: Necee and Carole

Tammie on 12/04/01 at 17:46 (066130)

Oh yes a apology is always needed when do to someone, I would feel awful knowing that I made someone feel bad. I did and I had to remedy it . Thank u for being special in my life also I am grateful for my friends even if I cant handle my emotions and frustrations at times. I feel like a child wanting to have a tantrum. Just out of pure frustration and out of control . Thanks for understanding I hope the others do also! I apoligise again and again! Hugs to u my friends

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Janet C on 12/04/01 at 18:44 (066136)

Dearest Tammie,

It's okay, I think we all understand. And I sincerely hope that what I wrote to you did not come across as sounding too harsh. I just really wanted you to realize the severe and permanent damage that can occur if you don't listen to your body, and give the nerves time to heal properly. We all care for you, Tammie, and I'm so glad to hear that you've decided to stick around here.

With Love, Blessings, and (((Hugs)))!
Janet

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Tammie on 12/04/01 at 19:06 (066142)

no Janet not harsh just truthful! Sometimes it takes this to open a closed mind. I am so sorry for being rude and unsensitive! I appreciate your thoughts and kind words, and the caring that went into the message u wrote from your heart. I guess i was not ready to listen or hear it yet. I have been getting so much and I sometimes feel so overwelmed with what I should do and well as you can see i lose control over my feelings and actually my life. I have had some very deep depression over all of this and sometimes I think this effects my thought process. I am starting again but a bit slower and with a diffrent approach. I dont know what shall be in store for me but will take a small step at a time.And when or if I stumble I hope the good people here help me get off my duff and start again. I am glad you understand how very hard this is for me.

I just hate dealing with this feet trouble i am totaly sick of it. Amd have trouble explaining to people I am not crazy I have allot to deal with and the pain no it is not gone will it ever Lord knows but I dont. Can people look at me and see it , doubtful as they dont want to have to deal with it either. A sign could be hung on me saying no i am not faking it and no I am not better and no I cant go and go as I used to and on and on and on. You know waht I mean i am sure.Ok now step at a time . Thanks again and may you be blessed with inner peace and happiness always. Hugs to u

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

SuzanneK on 12/04/01 at 22:52 (066170)

Tammie -
My name is SuzanneK and I am a pfer.

I seldom post, but read almost every day. I had 2/3 pf release and heel spur removal in June 2000.

I think many of us do know what you are going through. It is so hard to not have a sense of control over this pf thing.

I am a third grade teacher - not an easy job on days when feet don't hurt! I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't teach any more! That said, when my pf was so bad, I did everything I could to rest my feet and follow doctor's orders - so that I wouldn't have to give it up. I used a whhelchair at school to get around. I asked for help from my team mates in taking my duties and escorting my classes. That was veery hard for me - I am a very independent sort. I scheduled my surgery for the week after school was out and did NOTHING all summer - even though I am an education junkie and usually spend all summer teaching adults (what fun! such a change from 8-year-olds) and going to classes and workshops. I am truly convinced that the time I spent parked on my rear that summer was what allowed me to get back to teaching school.

Another thing was I trusted my doctor (not easy - bad family history with doctors - am convinced they killed first my brother and then my dad - but I digress). When he told me something, I listened. I did research on my own - found heelspurs.com - hooray! I asked questions. I asked for options. And though my foot will never be 100%, I can teach all day with only a mild ache some nights. I'll settle for that.

I think what your doctor is saying is that you did too much, too soon. You have to back off now in order to be able to get back to what you love. And honestly, how good of a job are you really doing when you are in so much pain?

Others have given you good advice here. I hope you find a way to get through all this.

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Julie on 12/05/01 at 03:12 (066176)

Tammie, we all understand what you're going through. It IS hard to hear what you don't want to hear, and easy to react in ways you wouldn't ordinarily react. So don't worry: it's ok.

You know, from everything you've told us about your work, I've understood that what you love about it, and what keeps your heart so deeply in it, is knowing that you are helping people. What helps them isn't what you do for them on your feet. Those things are part of your duties to your employers. What helps them is you: the love you have for them, and all that you give them when you sit with them patiently and talk to them. They couldn't care less whether you can lift them or not, or empty bed pans for them or not. It's YOU that helps them: who you are and what you are.

That doesn't ever need to stop, even if your long term health demands that you get off your feet for a while. Talk to your employers. See if you can get them to understand that you are a valuable worker even if you can't 'do' all the things your job description lists. See if they'll be a bit understanding, and take you off the foot-insulting things that you shouldn't be doing and let you go on doing what you're really good at: helping people and making them feel better. You might even be able to come to some agreement that would allow you to be with patients some of the time, and help in the office some of the time (there must be plenty of office work in a nursing home and even if it isn't what you like, you could do it sitting down!)

And what about using a wheelchair? The home must be set up for wheelchairs. Couldn't you use one to get around the corridors and even do some things of the things you have to do from it?

Just a couple of thoughts. Be hopeful. See the new doctor, get all the help you need, and know that this board and all of us on it are with you all the way.

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

JudyS on 12/05/01 at 11:20 (066202)

Oh Tammy, you sweetheart! You don't really lose control of your feelings, none of us does because we're human. Feelings are not exactly 'controlable'....after all, we have them for a reason. They are there to convey messages to us and get attention from us. You get to have those feelings just as all humans do so don't apologize. No one knows better than those here what you're going through.
The great thing about feelings is that they're something of a 'house-cleaning'...you have them, you listen to them, you cry over them, then you get down to business and use them to create solutions to the best of your ability. I suspect you've entered the problem-solving phase now and I sure commend you for it - wish it were always so quick for me!

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Beverly on 12/05/01 at 12:38 (066209)

Tammie,

I must have missed whatever it is you are apologizing for, but your a sweetheart to want to make amends. We all get cranky sometimes when in pain.
Take care,
Beverly

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

rebecca h on 12/04/01 at 12:24 (066100)

Just wanted to say that I sortof understand. I have only been dealing with pf for a few months but it has changed so many things about my life. I've had to say no to so many things I normally love and its hard for my children and my friends to understand. I have been fighting depression and feeling very isolated. Actually this message board has helped me alot in that area. At least now I know I'm not crazy and I'm not making up this pain! There are alot of other people that are dealing with it too. I felt like I was the only person in the world with this weird condition until I found this website. And then when people ask you 'Well how did you hurt your feet?' and you can't tell them anything specific they think well it must not be anything serious but it is and there's no way they can understand unless they have had something similar. Also when you are in pain for a long time it wears on you. It tends to make me really irritable and hard to live with even though normally I'm a pretty nice person! Anyway, from one foot sufferer to another I do wish you the best and hope you can find some answers.
sincerely,
rebecca h

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Necee on 12/04/01 at 12:48 (066103)

Tammie,
I hope and pray that you find some comfort from the struggles in your life.
You have made a wonderful start by seeking a good Dr. I will be praying that with Gods help and the love and support of all of us here, you will get through this. God never promised us that through life we would be spared pain and suffering, what he did promise us is that he would always be with us.
So when your days seem darkened by struggles and life gets rough, may you find comfort in knowing that God is right there with you. I feel so blessed to have you as my friend, you have lifted me up more than you'll ever know, and made what seemed like an endless battle with PF so much easier to cope with.
So for all that you mean to me, I love you for it and thank you for our special friendship.
with love and many prayers,
Necee
Necee

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Carole C on 12/04/01 at 13:21 (066107)

Tammie, no need to apologize. You do belong here. I know I have posted various things that might have been expressed a little differently if it weren't for the pain. Pain is such a MONSTER!! We've been there!

One day at a time. (hugs)

Carole

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

BrianG on 12/04/01 at 17:11 (066123)

Hi Tammy,

This pain, this wretched pain, sometimes makes us say and do things that we would never, ever normally think about doing. Please continue to look for that cure, somehow balancing your life around the healing process. I know sometimes I may have come across as if I thought you should quit your job. I'd hate to see you loose the one thing that means the most to you. I sincerely hope that you can find that balance between healing, and continuing on with your life. Did I really call you a 'stubborn cuss'!! My, my, time to wash my mouth out with a good old bar of Lava soap :*)

Please stick around
BCG

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Tammie on 12/04/01 at 17:41 (066128)

I am sticking around and hehe I am what i am and stubborn cuss is a start.
Oh you have that right and sometimes it is more then the physical pain more of a combination that really sets u off so starting with one step . A visit with a dr. on the 20 then from there we shall see. Oh I made a promise to myself I hope that i can keep it to, I am going to try very hard to be better to my feet, with starting with keeping my work hrs down as much as I can limit, and if at all possible get off foot more there even if putting foot up on a chair while doing things. Not much but a start ok? No no wash the mouth out u called it as u seen it I understand . Hugs to u and thanks for understanding and forgiving me for being a ungrateful brat.

Re: Necee and Carole

Tammie on 12/04/01 at 17:46 (066130)

Oh yes a apology is always needed when do to someone, I would feel awful knowing that I made someone feel bad. I did and I had to remedy it . Thank u for being special in my life also I am grateful for my friends even if I cant handle my emotions and frustrations at times. I feel like a child wanting to have a tantrum. Just out of pure frustration and out of control . Thanks for understanding I hope the others do also! I apoligise again and again! Hugs to u my friends

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Janet C on 12/04/01 at 18:44 (066136)

Dearest Tammie,

It's okay, I think we all understand. And I sincerely hope that what I wrote to you did not come across as sounding too harsh. I just really wanted you to realize the severe and permanent damage that can occur if you don't listen to your body, and give the nerves time to heal properly. We all care for you, Tammie, and I'm so glad to hear that you've decided to stick around here.

With Love, Blessings, and (((Hugs)))!
Janet

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Tammie on 12/04/01 at 19:06 (066142)

no Janet not harsh just truthful! Sometimes it takes this to open a closed mind. I am so sorry for being rude and unsensitive! I appreciate your thoughts and kind words, and the caring that went into the message u wrote from your heart. I guess i was not ready to listen or hear it yet. I have been getting so much and I sometimes feel so overwelmed with what I should do and well as you can see i lose control over my feelings and actually my life. I have had some very deep depression over all of this and sometimes I think this effects my thought process. I am starting again but a bit slower and with a diffrent approach. I dont know what shall be in store for me but will take a small step at a time.And when or if I stumble I hope the good people here help me get off my duff and start again. I am glad you understand how very hard this is for me.

I just hate dealing with this feet trouble i am totaly sick of it. Amd have trouble explaining to people I am not crazy I have allot to deal with and the pain no it is not gone will it ever Lord knows but I dont. Can people look at me and see it , doubtful as they dont want to have to deal with it either. A sign could be hung on me saying no i am not faking it and no I am not better and no I cant go and go as I used to and on and on and on. You know waht I mean i am sure.Ok now step at a time . Thanks again and may you be blessed with inner peace and happiness always. Hugs to u

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

SuzanneK on 12/04/01 at 22:52 (066170)

Tammie -
My name is SuzanneK and I am a pfer.

I seldom post, but read almost every day. I had 2/3 pf release and heel spur removal in June 2000.

I think many of us do know what you are going through. It is so hard to not have a sense of control over this pf thing.

I am a third grade teacher - not an easy job on days when feet don't hurt! I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't teach any more! That said, when my pf was so bad, I did everything I could to rest my feet and follow doctor's orders - so that I wouldn't have to give it up. I used a whhelchair at school to get around. I asked for help from my team mates in taking my duties and escorting my classes. That was veery hard for me - I am a very independent sort. I scheduled my surgery for the week after school was out and did NOTHING all summer - even though I am an education junkie and usually spend all summer teaching adults (what fun! such a change from 8-year-olds) and going to classes and workshops. I am truly convinced that the time I spent parked on my rear that summer was what allowed me to get back to teaching school.

Another thing was I trusted my doctor (not easy - bad family history with doctors - am convinced they killed first my brother and then my dad - but I digress). When he told me something, I listened. I did research on my own - found heelspurs.com - hooray! I asked questions. I asked for options. And though my foot will never be 100%, I can teach all day with only a mild ache some nights. I'll settle for that.

I think what your doctor is saying is that you did too much, too soon. You have to back off now in order to be able to get back to what you love. And honestly, how good of a job are you really doing when you are in so much pain?

Others have given you good advice here. I hope you find a way to get through all this.

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Julie on 12/05/01 at 03:12 (066176)

Tammie, we all understand what you're going through. It IS hard to hear what you don't want to hear, and easy to react in ways you wouldn't ordinarily react. So don't worry: it's ok.

You know, from everything you've told us about your work, I've understood that what you love about it, and what keeps your heart so deeply in it, is knowing that you are helping people. What helps them isn't what you do for them on your feet. Those things are part of your duties to your employers. What helps them is you: the love you have for them, and all that you give them when you sit with them patiently and talk to them. They couldn't care less whether you can lift them or not, or empty bed pans for them or not. It's YOU that helps them: who you are and what you are.

That doesn't ever need to stop, even if your long term health demands that you get off your feet for a while. Talk to your employers. See if you can get them to understand that you are a valuable worker even if you can't 'do' all the things your job description lists. See if they'll be a bit understanding, and take you off the foot-insulting things that you shouldn't be doing and let you go on doing what you're really good at: helping people and making them feel better. You might even be able to come to some agreement that would allow you to be with patients some of the time, and help in the office some of the time (there must be plenty of office work in a nursing home and even if it isn't what you like, you could do it sitting down!)

And what about using a wheelchair? The home must be set up for wheelchairs. Couldn't you use one to get around the corridors and even do some things of the things you have to do from it?

Just a couple of thoughts. Be hopeful. See the new doctor, get all the help you need, and know that this board and all of us on it are with you all the way.

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

JudyS on 12/05/01 at 11:20 (066202)

Oh Tammy, you sweetheart! You don't really lose control of your feelings, none of us does because we're human. Feelings are not exactly 'controlable'....after all, we have them for a reason. They are there to convey messages to us and get attention from us. You get to have those feelings just as all humans do so don't apologize. No one knows better than those here what you're going through.
The great thing about feelings is that they're something of a 'house-cleaning'...you have them, you listen to them, you cry over them, then you get down to business and use them to create solutions to the best of your ability. I suspect you've entered the problem-solving phase now and I sure commend you for it - wish it were always so quick for me!

Re: A Heartfelt apology to some dear friends

Beverly on 12/05/01 at 12:38 (066209)

Tammie,

I must have missed whatever it is you are apologizing for, but your a sweetheart to want to make amends. We all get cranky sometimes when in pain.
Take care,
Beverly