Home The Book Dr Articles Products Message Boards Journal Articles Search Our Surveys Surgery ESWT Dr Messages Find Good Drs video

Glad for a new week...

Posted by Suzanne D on 4/21/02 at 08:33 (080540)

Dear Friends,

I haven't posted much in the past week as I have been fairly consumed with a tense situation regarding one of my little girls at school. She is safe now, but there were problems relating to a family member which jeopardized her safety - and possibly ours at school. I had to take precautions while doing my best to maintain a happy and good learning environment, all the while worried for her. It took a toll on me, but I am thankful it seems to be resolved.

Also, I've never written this before, but my husband suffers from mental/emotional problems, and it seems that at the 'big, important times' in life, he comes unglued the most. Yesterday, being our daughter's 21st birthday, was no exception.

The pattern usually follows that I do most/all of the work for anything planned, but no matter how hard I try to take the stress off him - and yet involve him as well so he doesn't feel left out - I can never achieve the right balance. I guess no one could, but I seem to constantly be trying to do that. He 'loses it' anyway, and takes away joy from the event.

I have learned to cope and not let it ruin the good times completely, but it is hard. I didn't realize how upset I was about it until I started typing this and felt the tears come. I can't remember when I've let myself cry. I know that's not healthy, but someone has to keep going and try to make things good for everyone. My children deserve that, and I have always tried to do it for them.

Well, I hate whining (my own; I really am sympathetic to others!), so I will stop now. It has taken a lot of courage to write this; I guess I'll take a deep breath and make myself post it!

Thanks for being my friend and responding to me with support and information regarding my feet. In the midst of that, you have become my friends, and I find you to be even more important to me than I could have realized!

I am glad it is a new week. I like new beginnings: I always gear up for a good new school year, and each week does seem to bring fresh hope for better days.

Take care,
Suzanne

Re: Glad for a new week...

Carole C in NOLA on 4/21/02 at 08:52 (080541)

Suzanne, I'm so sorry that your husband reacted that way to your daughter's 21st birthday. Men are sometimes like that. I think it's sometimes harder for them to express their emotions directly, so things sometimes come out in other ways. Of course all men are not like that; some are very much in touch with their emotions and express them appropriately but I think a lot aren't because of the way they were brought up. Usually we can take it with a grain of salt, but when you're in pain with PF it's difficult not to be depressed and this must have made it even worse for you.

You are right: it's a new week. Who knows what this week may bring? It might be the best week ever. I'm glad that your little pupil is safe now.

Carole C

Re: Glad for a new week...

wendyn on 4/21/02 at 10:17 (080549)

Take it easy Suzanne - and feel free to 'whine' any time. It can be awfully theraputic.

Re: The start of liking you

Tammie on 4/21/02 at 12:42 (080563)

Suzanne,I admire your courage to sharing a piece of your life with us! It is nice that you have a safe feeling here , do you understand why I think this is a safe zone? Because there are loving and wonderful people who will let you get whatever it is out of your system and allow you to feel a bit better. You were a very caring and sensitive teacher with all that you did to help keep the (norm) atmosphere in class. You know it takes special people to carry the load and I am really glad that you were chosen! You handled it wonderful and I am thankful that there are people who go the extra mile to help someone.You sound like a great teacher!I wish I had someone like you in my teen years maybe I would have cared about school enough to show up instead of cutting school and hanging with friends.Thank you for sharing with us.

I wont say alot on about your hubby but i will share this,it is not so unusal as one might think to have thease types of troubles in relationships.From what I have learned it seems to me like there is a strong one and a relaxed partner, which in turn creates some kind of calm. Tho generally not healthy for either partner.It would be good if counseling would be done but living and knowing it probably is not to likly. But can offer this, you have to like and care about yourself enough to get some help to deal with your heavy load , before you break from the pressure and burdon. If one carries the whole it helps neither as relationships need to be shared with another not dumped on one someone and maybe both suffer in the end. Find some person who can help and show you how to deal with this so that it does not pull you under and you drown in it , also the children no matter how old they are . It will effect them as they tend to model our relationships to there own.
You are a wonderful Lady and I am thankful that you are in our lives! Gve your self a hug today and know that if you were here a warm hug would be given.Tomorrow is a new week and yes our friend it can be better then last if you allow yourself to care about you! Instead of all the others.

Re: Glad for a new week...

Necee on 4/21/02 at 22:22 (080615)

Thinking of you Suzanne.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Necee

Re: you deserve one big hug !!!! (nm)

linda a on 4/21/02 at 22:57 (080618)

.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 11:12 (080647)

Suzanne,

Remember your husband is controlled by God and himself, you can do all you can and he still may come undone. Once you realise how powerless you are over him, it may become a little more bearable since you won't feel guilty. (I mean, what did you do wrong if anything?)

Sometimes people come undone from lack of sleep, hormones...disease...pain...have compassion but do not let them boss you. If your husband is a pill, gently distance yourself from him till he is done. If he is abusive (which I hope not and can not tell at all from the details given), no matter what you do, he will still not be satisfied and wish to take it out on you. I have had an ex-boyfriend like that...he hated me...I was responsible it seemed for the moon falling or the earth turning...him coming in late for work was my fault...his drinking was my fault...finally after an episode that could have gone on Jerry Springer with his new love (while we were still dating), I left. 4 and 1/2 years went by and this ex left a note on my old car at my mom's! I think it was because he liked having somebody to blame for everything and I readily accepted the blame (I grew up sort of thinking everything is my fault...and I still struggle with this). I only bring this up to illustrate that I can totally relate (albeit hopefully my situation is not yours with your husband) with the wanting to 'smooth things out'. Again, I am NOT saying my situation in the past is like yours (and I pray it isn't).

President Lincoln said 'A person is as happy as he makes up his mind to be' (something to that effect). If somebody is DETERMIND to be UNHAPPY, there is little you can do except STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY till they are done venting or posteurizing.

Taking care of yourself is the biggest gift you can give them. Take care of yourself, be a great mom like you are and leave the rest to God. Pray for your husband and be kind but don't let him ruin your day if you can.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

Carole C in NOLA on 4/22/02 at 11:48 (080651)

Mehatmelissama, good for you to have ditched that ex-boyfriend! So many women get caught in abusive relationships and think it is somehow their fault. It takes a lot of courage to get out, even when children aren't involved. You were not to blame for everything (really! You have to leave some blame for the rest of the inhabitants of earth! LOL). You deserve better than what he was dishing out.

Some committed relationships are based on more traditional values and ways of interacting than others. I think it can help for a woman to think, 'Is this what I signed up for?' In other words, are the actions taking place consistent with the way things were set up and agreed upon when the commitment (of whatever depth) was made. If not, it's time to question what is going on, evaluate the situation, and decide what to do.

Suzanne, this post does not refer to you. Like Mehatmelissama I am not saying your marriage is abusive; I have no reason to think it is, but I did want to congratulate Mehatmelissama on getting away from that ex-boyfriend and not letting him start things back up later on.

American 21st century women have it so good. I have no desire to live in certain countries, or in certain past era's, after tasting the brave new world we are experiencing here at this very moment.

Carole C

Re: Thanks, everyone, for your responses! :-) (eom)

Suzanne D on 4/22/02 at 16:15 (080694)

.

Re: What does eom mean?

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 17:13 (080705)

;) I have seen this acroymn 2x in the past 2 days.

Re: It was over 9 years ago...but I am still thankful too!

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 17:18 (080706)

Carole,

You are so sweet, thank you!

Maybe I should not have written all that since i don't know if any of it was relevant (sharing the experience for Suzanne's situation) ..but the lessons I learned from it were appropriate.

Some people try to make you the scapegoat, once you recongize that, you are freed up.

I am so thankful I live in the free world and not someplace where I would be written off since I am passed 30 and unmarried. ;)

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&& ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
********* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: shoot, flag artistry in my post did not work...oh well

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 17:19 (080707)

it is the thought that counts! ;)

Re: What does eom mean?

wendyn on 4/22/02 at 18:13 (080718)

It means End Of Message. That way people who are viewing the post titles know that there isn't anything posted under that title.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

wendyn on 4/22/02 at 18:28 (080726)

My grandparents had a very traditional relationship. He was the head of the house, and his word was The Law. HOWEVER, my grandfather had an incredible amount of love and respect for his wife and his family, and their best interests were always foremost. So, it worked very well for them.

On the other subject, I had a first husband. He was manipulative, controlling and abusive. I walked away from that relationship a long time ago. Amazingly enough, he still spent years blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life (even since then). He moved far away 12 years ago, we've had almost no contact - and I was still ruining his life. Maybe I was ruining his life just with my evil brain waves? I must be very powerful!

Anyway (I ramble) with some people, there is just no way to make them happy. Suzanne, you sound like one of the most amazing people - take care of yourself first.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

Kathy G on 4/23/02 at 09:42 (080793)

Suzanne,

I hope you feel better. I, too, never cry and it's a terrible way to be. On the few times that I do, I feel better but that doesn't seem to help me to 'let it out' more often. My two sisters cry at the drop of a hat, but I didn't, even as a child.

I grew up with a mother who had serious emotional and physical problems. Many's the time that I played the peacekeeper and intervened between her and my two sisters, trying to make everything right. It can be so exhausting. It sounds like you are always trying to fix thing so that your husband won't become upset. It's a task that can take its toll and you have a right to be weary. Taken along with the problem at school, you need some 'mental health' time! I know how upsetting it is to my friends who are teachers when one of their students is in a dangerous situation at home.

I hope thay you enjoy your little ones and start to feel better. You're such a nice person and we all value you so much on these boards. Remember, we're here anytime you need to vent!

Take care.

Re: What does eom mean?

Mahatmelissama on 4/23/02 at 11:25 (080820)

:)

Re: THANK Wendyn EOM

Mahatmelissama on 4/23/02 at 11:25 (080821)

.

Re: Glad for a new week...

Carole C in NOLA on 4/21/02 at 08:52 (080541)

Suzanne, I'm so sorry that your husband reacted that way to your daughter's 21st birthday. Men are sometimes like that. I think it's sometimes harder for them to express their emotions directly, so things sometimes come out in other ways. Of course all men are not like that; some are very much in touch with their emotions and express them appropriately but I think a lot aren't because of the way they were brought up. Usually we can take it with a grain of salt, but when you're in pain with PF it's difficult not to be depressed and this must have made it even worse for you.

You are right: it's a new week. Who knows what this week may bring? It might be the best week ever. I'm glad that your little pupil is safe now.

Carole C

Re: Glad for a new week...

wendyn on 4/21/02 at 10:17 (080549)

Take it easy Suzanne - and feel free to 'whine' any time. It can be awfully theraputic.

Re: The start of liking you

Tammie on 4/21/02 at 12:42 (080563)

Suzanne,I admire your courage to sharing a piece of your life with us! It is nice that you have a safe feeling here , do you understand why I think this is a safe zone? Because there are loving and wonderful people who will let you get whatever it is out of your system and allow you to feel a bit better. You were a very caring and sensitive teacher with all that you did to help keep the (norm) atmosphere in class. You know it takes special people to carry the load and I am really glad that you were chosen! You handled it wonderful and I am thankful that there are people who go the extra mile to help someone.You sound like a great teacher!I wish I had someone like you in my teen years maybe I would have cared about school enough to show up instead of cutting school and hanging with friends.Thank you for sharing with us.

I wont say alot on about your hubby but i will share this,it is not so unusal as one might think to have thease types of troubles in relationships.From what I have learned it seems to me like there is a strong one and a relaxed partner, which in turn creates some kind of calm. Tho generally not healthy for either partner.It would be good if counseling would be done but living and knowing it probably is not to likly. But can offer this, you have to like and care about yourself enough to get some help to deal with your heavy load , before you break from the pressure and burdon. If one carries the whole it helps neither as relationships need to be shared with another not dumped on one someone and maybe both suffer in the end. Find some person who can help and show you how to deal with this so that it does not pull you under and you drown in it , also the children no matter how old they are . It will effect them as they tend to model our relationships to there own.
You are a wonderful Lady and I am thankful that you are in our lives! Gve your self a hug today and know that if you were here a warm hug would be given.Tomorrow is a new week and yes our friend it can be better then last if you allow yourself to care about you! Instead of all the others.

Re: Glad for a new week...

Necee on 4/21/02 at 22:22 (080615)

Thinking of you Suzanne.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Necee

Re: you deserve one big hug !!!! (nm)

linda a on 4/21/02 at 22:57 (080618)

.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 11:12 (080647)

Suzanne,

Remember your husband is controlled by God and himself, you can do all you can and he still may come undone. Once you realise how powerless you are over him, it may become a little more bearable since you won't feel guilty. (I mean, what did you do wrong if anything?)

Sometimes people come undone from lack of sleep, hormones...disease...pain...have compassion but do not let them boss you. If your husband is a pill, gently distance yourself from him till he is done. If he is abusive (which I hope not and can not tell at all from the details given), no matter what you do, he will still not be satisfied and wish to take it out on you. I have had an ex-boyfriend like that...he hated me...I was responsible it seemed for the moon falling or the earth turning...him coming in late for work was my fault...his drinking was my fault...finally after an episode that could have gone on Jerry Springer with his new love (while we were still dating), I left. 4 and 1/2 years went by and this ex left a note on my old car at my mom's! I think it was because he liked having somebody to blame for everything and I readily accepted the blame (I grew up sort of thinking everything is my fault...and I still struggle with this). I only bring this up to illustrate that I can totally relate (albeit hopefully my situation is not yours with your husband) with the wanting to 'smooth things out'. Again, I am NOT saying my situation in the past is like yours (and I pray it isn't).

President Lincoln said 'A person is as happy as he makes up his mind to be' (something to that effect). If somebody is DETERMIND to be UNHAPPY, there is little you can do except STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY till they are done venting or posteurizing.

Taking care of yourself is the biggest gift you can give them. Take care of yourself, be a great mom like you are and leave the rest to God. Pray for your husband and be kind but don't let him ruin your day if you can.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

Carole C in NOLA on 4/22/02 at 11:48 (080651)

Mehatmelissama, good for you to have ditched that ex-boyfriend! So many women get caught in abusive relationships and think it is somehow their fault. It takes a lot of courage to get out, even when children aren't involved. You were not to blame for everything (really! You have to leave some blame for the rest of the inhabitants of earth! LOL). You deserve better than what he was dishing out.

Some committed relationships are based on more traditional values and ways of interacting than others. I think it can help for a woman to think, 'Is this what I signed up for?' In other words, are the actions taking place consistent with the way things were set up and agreed upon when the commitment (of whatever depth) was made. If not, it's time to question what is going on, evaluate the situation, and decide what to do.

Suzanne, this post does not refer to you. Like Mehatmelissama I am not saying your marriage is abusive; I have no reason to think it is, but I did want to congratulate Mehatmelissama on getting away from that ex-boyfriend and not letting him start things back up later on.

American 21st century women have it so good. I have no desire to live in certain countries, or in certain past era's, after tasting the brave new world we are experiencing here at this very moment.

Carole C

Re: Thanks, everyone, for your responses! :-) (eom)

Suzanne D on 4/22/02 at 16:15 (080694)

.

Re: What does eom mean?

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 17:13 (080705)

;) I have seen this acroymn 2x in the past 2 days.

Re: It was over 9 years ago...but I am still thankful too!

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 17:18 (080706)

Carole,

You are so sweet, thank you!

Maybe I should not have written all that since i don't know if any of it was relevant (sharing the experience for Suzanne's situation) ..but the lessons I learned from it were appropriate.

Some people try to make you the scapegoat, once you recongize that, you are freed up.

I am so thankful I live in the free world and not someplace where I would be written off since I am passed 30 and unmarried. ;)

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ &&&&& ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
********* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: shoot, flag artistry in my post did not work...oh well

Mahatmelissama on 4/22/02 at 17:19 (080707)

it is the thought that counts! ;)

Re: What does eom mean?

wendyn on 4/22/02 at 18:13 (080718)

It means End Of Message. That way people who are viewing the post titles know that there isn't anything posted under that title.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

wendyn on 4/22/02 at 18:28 (080726)

My grandparents had a very traditional relationship. He was the head of the house, and his word was The Law. HOWEVER, my grandfather had an incredible amount of love and respect for his wife and his family, and their best interests were always foremost. So, it worked very well for them.

On the other subject, I had a first husband. He was manipulative, controlling and abusive. I walked away from that relationship a long time ago. Amazingly enough, he still spent years blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life (even since then). He moved far away 12 years ago, we've had almost no contact - and I was still ruining his life. Maybe I was ruining his life just with my evil brain waves? I must be very powerful!

Anyway (I ramble) with some people, there is just no way to make them happy. Suzanne, you sound like one of the most amazing people - take care of yourself first.

Re: Getting through the Events of Life

Kathy G on 4/23/02 at 09:42 (080793)

Suzanne,

I hope you feel better. I, too, never cry and it's a terrible way to be. On the few times that I do, I feel better but that doesn't seem to help me to 'let it out' more often. My two sisters cry at the drop of a hat, but I didn't, even as a child.

I grew up with a mother who had serious emotional and physical problems. Many's the time that I played the peacekeeper and intervened between her and my two sisters, trying to make everything right. It can be so exhausting. It sounds like you are always trying to fix thing so that your husband won't become upset. It's a task that can take its toll and you have a right to be weary. Taken along with the problem at school, you need some 'mental health' time! I know how upsetting it is to my friends who are teachers when one of their students is in a dangerous situation at home.

I hope thay you enjoy your little ones and start to feel better. You're such a nice person and we all value you so much on these boards. Remember, we're here anytime you need to vent!

Take care.

Re: What does eom mean?

Mahatmelissama on 4/23/02 at 11:25 (080820)

:)

Re: THANK Wendyn EOM

Mahatmelissama on 4/23/02 at 11:25 (080821)

.