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I need to vent yet again

Posted by Mahatmelissama on 3/09/03 at 22:59 (112397)

Ok, you guys have heard my whining and you will hear it again.

I am getting better but so slowly.

I traveled last week to Iowa on Southwest. I had to keep standing in lines and then the cold weather seemed to make my feet flare up. My grandma had her 97th birthday, I got to see her.

I go home to San Jose (where it is much warmer) but my feet are so slow to recover. I have had flare up city.

I had to sit a lot at church today. I whined to a few people about my feet. They kindly listened but for some reason every single person just looked kind of like 'whatever' or even 'yeah sure'.

I talked to one lady getting a dance together. A sort of Irish Country line dance. I told her I would only be able to dance a few dances...and is there going to be anything else to do but dance? She said No, just dancing...and so I told her I am not going then. She was ok with that. She told me about a guy she met studying how to make orthotics in Sacramento...

Anyway, I can not articulate this very well but I am really down. Nobody understands (unless they have it). When I vent to my friends and family, they just don't get it.

I have pushed myself through many things (went to a lunch at someone's house and stood as much as I could since everyone loves to stand and talk...and prepare food standing)...and then home. I am trying to participate in life. I just know from experience if I go to that dance, I will over do it. I can only dance a few dances and then sit down and watch people dance dance dance...it is also dance lessons and they have you stand there while they slowly explain (I know from experience). Darn it, I miss line dancing. I miss being able to stand stand stand.

I can stand longer than before and I am getting better but it is so slow it is pitiful. I just wish the pain would all go away!

I am wondering if anybody got better like this....really really slowly?

If so, please let me know.

Sometimes to get out of feeling blue I got to just vent to someone and you guys are the only ones who 'get it'.

Shoot, if I had some of your IMs, I would message you. (I use Trillian and can talk to msn, yahoo, aim on my home computer).

Re: I need to vent yet again

Pauline on 3/09/03 at 23:32 (112399)

No problem this is a good place to vent your frustrations because we have all done it from time to time, but when you done begin to count your blessings because we sometimes forget that we have them.

Here are a few to start you off. I bet if you think about it you have many more to add to this list.

Your not blind or mentally ill.
You don't have a catastrophic illness.
Your not homeless.
Your not hungry.
Your not alone.
Your able to travel.
You have friends.
You have family.
You can provide encouragement to others in need.
and even in the worst of times you can still smile.

Now you add to the list. Sitting on the sidelines isn't fun, but many people go through far worse and would be happy to trade their illness for your P.F.

There are not any books written on how to think negatively because we're all very good at it, but look at all the books written about positive thinking. The shelves are filled with them.

Everything is a matter of degree. There will always be someone worse off than you and others better off. The best that we can do is to accept the things that we cannot change, change the things that we can, and ask for the wisdom to know the difference. If we can do this we're doing good.

May God bless you with peace and provide you relief from the frustration, anger and anxiety that your feeling at this moment. You will have better tomorrows.

Re: I need to vent yet again

Carole C in NOLA on 3/10/03 at 00:55 (112400)

Mahatmelissama, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a flare-up!!! And we really DO understand how depressing it is and how miserable you feel about not being able to dance. You probably made the best decision in staying home from the dance, but it's hard because I know you want to participate in your life.

Have you tried any new things lately to see if they help to give your recovery a boost? I don't know what; maybe taping as well as wearing your orthotics? That seemed to help some people here a lot.

YES, people have got better really really slowly. I have read stories on this site about people who got completely healed after years with PF. So don't listen if your inner voice tells you things are hopeless. They're not! You WILL get better. Please believe that, and do everything in your power to help it to come true.

I think we pretty much have to assume that nobody will 'get it' unless they have had PF, or unless they happen to be like Mother Teresa. It's not that people are innately cruel; this is just so far out of their experience. I know I would have been pretty skeptical and politely disbelieving, if someone had talked about how painful and disabling their PF was (before I had it myself). I never did tell very many people at all about my PF, and if I absolutely had to mention it, I said I had 'Achilles tendonitis'. That was an incomplete truth, but I found that some people could relate to it a lot better.

I would stay up and IM, but my alarm rings in five hours. I have been trying and trying to go to sleep. My older brother had a little stroke today and although he is doing just fine and has all the best medical care, my mind keeps going back to him.

Here's what I've been thinking about him and me. I think that the 'instant gratification' psychology can lead us to trouble, especially when it comes to getting in shape once we are no longer young. I very much need to get in shape but I got PF from overdoing it on my exercycle. My brother has been jumping head first into lots of exercise too, golfing every day as well as bicycling and other types of exercise after a previously sedentary life, and maybe that could have contributed to his stroke. Both my brother and I need to get in shape but we need to do it slowly and surely.

I definitely need to sleep on that thought and re-think my exercise/health program so that I can reach my fitness goals safely like the tortoise and not the hare.

Carole C

Re: To: Melissa Re: IM

Necee on 3/10/03 at 08:29 (112405)

I'm signed up on AOL IM, if you'll go to their website and register (free), then I'd love to chat with you.

I understand completely what you're saying, this whole PF thing can get depressing, just when you think that you're on the mend flareups return!
It does take lots of time and patience.

Let me know if you're interested in chatting, there are many from this message board who are signed up, we have some great chats, which by the way helps get our minds off our feet.

Happy trails...


Re: I need to vent yet again

Suzanne D on 3/10/03 at 11:40 (112429)

I am sorry, Melsissa, that you are discouraged and frustrated. And, yes, we have all been there and understand! My healing has been and continues to be slow. Sometimes I feel like it's 'take a step forward and two back', but I certainly am better than before, and for that I am thankful.

You've been given some good advice here in this thread. Thinking of positive things and things to be thankful for always helps. Seeing your grandmother on her 97th birthday was surely a treat and worth even your discomfort, although I wish you had not had the pain. I find that I am really missing my mother (who died 14 years ago at age 65) a lot at this time while we are preparing for my daughter's wedding in April.

Hang in there, Melissa! The fact that you have progressed (even if it is slow) means you are doing something right. So don't lose heart.

I have found that posting here helps in two ways: others encourage me when I need it, and when I reach out to help someone else - to answer a question if I can or to offer them understanding, it helps me to keep my situation in perspective.

Wishing you the best,
Suzanne :-)

Re: Carole...

Suzanne D on 3/10/03 at 11:44 (112430)

Carole, I am sorry about your brother's stroke and wish him a full recovery. I hope you were able to get to sleep last night and feel more rested today.

My assistant here at school (age 45) had a slight stroke last week. She is home and doing well except for a struggle in getting her blood pressure regulated. She also had a stroke last October which was a little more serious than this last one, so the main concern now is why these are happening.

I miss her very much and surely have had her on my mind a lot these last few days, so I understand your concern.

Take care, and keep us posted on your brother's recovery. Is he the one you took a trip to Florida with a few months ago?

Suzanne :-)

Re: Carole...

Carole C in NOLA on 3/10/03 at 12:27 (112436)

Yes, that's the one, Suzanne.

I'm sure he is fine, but my mind keeps wandering back. He has had trouble with his blood pressure too, but medication successfully lowered it. I feel so sorrowful that this happened to him since the only time in his life he has ever lived alone has been during the past six months. He was doing so well up to now. My nephew relayed the message 'don't worry, l'il sis' from my brother, so I know that he is doing all right under the circumstances. He didn't even want to go to the hospital, but his neighbor (with whom he was golfing and biking yesterday) insisted and I'm glad she did.

I finally got to sleep about 2:00 AM, and slept fitfully until the alarm rang at 5:30. So, tonight I'll probably sleep a long time!

I hope your assistant can get her blood pressure regulated, and that the doctors can find out why these strokes are happening to her. She is so young for this at 45! My brother is 60, and it seems young for him too. I am going to be reading about what I can do to lower my own risk of stroke. This was a real 'wake-up call' though I'm sure he will be fine. The doctors are smart enough to keep him in the hospital and observe him for a while even though he's probably a bit impatient with that idea.

Carole C

Re: Carole...

Suzanne D on 3/10/03 at 21:20 (112497)

I hope you sleep well tonight, Carole. A night of too little sleep can really take its toll!

I'm glad your brother is being carefully watched in the hospital and happy that it was only a slight stroke. Still I understand your concern.

My assistant is resting and is understandably frustrated that she is having to miss school. She misses the children, they miss her, and of course I do, too! I have an assistant for two hours a day as we must share them. Besides missing her personally, I really miss the help she gives us. They don't hire subs for assistants (except for kindergarten which also have full-time assistants).

Your brother sounds like a caring big brother to tell his l'il sis, 'Don't worry'!

Suzanne :-)

Re: Carole...

Carole C in NOLA on 3/10/03 at 21:44 (112505)

Thanks, Suzanne. I feel completely confident that he is getting excellent medical treatment and that he will be watched for a reasonable length of time.

I will probably sleep well tonight. I was watching 'HouseHunters' on the Home and Garden channel, and I dozed off! I never do that because this is one of my favorite shows. So, I'm probably ready for bed.

If I ruled the world, any first grade class with over 12 students would have a full time assistant. I'm a great believer in small class size, which seems rare these days but a full time assistant can really make a difference.

You're right; my brother is a very emotional and caring person (as you guessed from the 'tell l'il sis not to worry'). But he is very complex too and like many Vietnam vets he has been a little scary since back then. He's still my brother and I have (and will) always think the world of him.

Carole C

Re: I need to vent yet again

Kathy G on 3/11/03 at 09:03 (112524)


This condition acts differently in each person and some of us heal slower than others. It can get very discouraging but I find it helps to compare what I'm able to do now with what I was able to do two years ago. I can do more now, with less pain, and most importantly, less down-time between flare-ups. Sometimes, I know I'm going to pay for what I'm doing but I know that if I take it easy for a few days, I'll bounce back. In the old days, it would have meant taking it easy for a few weeks.

So, hard as it may seem, try to keep your spirits up and look at the bright side. You know your condition; you've taken positive action to treat it and you know that there will be setbacks along the way. And you have a community here to help and support you as you make your recovery! Many people on this board have come so far, and one day you will be among those who can help others who are feeling just as you are now! Try not to expect so much of yourself so soon. Sometimes it's tough because we all want to go back to the life we all lived, BPF (before PF) and it can take a long time and we can so impatient and frustrated.

I'm sure your grandmother was glad to see you and in the long run, it will turn out to have been worth it.

Hang in there. There's light at the end of the tunnel. It just appears really dim to you right now!

Re: Thx for all your responses

Mahatmelissama on 3/11/03 at 11:11 (112538)

I read all of them and they were very helpful. Ironically, I am doing much much much better today. :) I did take 2 aleve last night and 2 this morning...that seemed to really kick the pain in. I also finally caught up on sleep. I think I need to melt down sometimes in order to feel better, it is just the way I was wired.

Carole, I want you to know I have been praying for your brother. May he heal well and may the Lord comfort you both through this.

Re: Thx for all your responses

Carole C in NOLA on 3/11/03 at 22:33 (112620)

Thank you, Mahatmelissama. That is very kind of you! I haven't heard anything more, which is great. No news is certainly good news, in this situation.

I'm glad you are feeling better today. It sounds like those Aleve are helping.

Carole C