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Julie

Posted by Dorothy on 12/01/04 at 21:03 (165047)

Julie - I don't know if you are reading or not, but if and when you do, I want you to know that I am so very sorry that you are having back pain. My goodness - it seems that some of us on this message board are way too much in sync! I can't stay here long - or anywhere long - but you are in my thoughts and prayers and I encourage you to think and breathe and try to let the pain wash over you and away. I don't have much good advice right now - you gave me such great advice so you already know what to do; it does help to have someone remind you and review, I think, even when you already know. It's kind of like an anchor and a mantra. I hope this is very temporary and is gone soon, or even now already. It's an awful thing to deal with, but you have met many challenges. Remember that we are all here thinking about you and pulling for you.(Even those of us who aren't pulling much of their weight in any other way lately!) We'll be glad to hear from you and to know how you are faring.

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Suzanne D. on 12/01/04 at 22:03 (165052)

Yes, Julie, I, too, hope your back problems are alleviated soon! I surely hated to read that you were also experiencing back pain. You are in my prayers.

Dorothy, I am so sorry you had such a bad day. I pray that tomorrow will be better for you. And I hope you can rest well tonight.

My best to you both,
Suzanne :)

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Dorothy on 12/01/04 at 23:33 (165053)

Thank you, Suzanne. I am exhausted but so anxious and afraid of what the morning might bring that my anxiety is overriding my exhaustion. Not good. I appreciate very much being in your prayers. I had a profound religious experience once while in the throes of a terrible back episode in 1998. I thought God had forgotten me. It was the deepest despair I had ever known. I felt so forgotten that I could not even begin to pray; I felt sure that God had forgotten me and that meant, to me, that I was no longer really human. But I just whispered, 'God' - and I had the most real experience of being held in God's hands, cradled like a baby, close to his chest and - just held. And I knew in the most profound way that I was a child of God. It was the most amazing experience I have ever had. And I began to heal from that episode, slowly, but steadily. As I began a walking routine then, I was walking through a lot of pain, but as I started out each day and throughout the walk, I would sense the hand of God on my back - and it gave me strength and courage.

I have never liked the idea of being someone who would turn to God in despair; it seems so fickle and shallow. But I was in despair and God cradled me. I don't know how else to say it. It's what happened to me.

Now, I don't know how others here would react to that revelation, one that I make I guess because I am again reaching the depths. Pain and fear takes humans to these places and it's easy to get lost. So I appreciate your prayers because I admit I am afraid and very sad.

Please forgive my moroseness tonight. It is one reason that I don't write often when feeling like this. Folks here don't need my weeping and wailing when they've got their own to deal with. But thanks, Suzanne.

Re: Julie

Necee on 12/02/04 at 01:22 (165055)

I wish you pain free days Julie. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Until then please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Happy trails...

Necee

Re: Julie

Julie on 12/02/04 at 06:12 (165058)

Thank you, Necee!

Re: Dorothy

Julie on 12/02/04 at 06:31 (165060)

Thanks, Dorothy. Yes, we're in synch. I've had minor back troubles before, but this is the real thing. I know those morning WHACKS, and dread them. Can't look forward to going to bed at night because it hurts, can't look forward to getting up in the morning because it hurts, can't sit for more than a few minutes because it hurts, can't stand for long because it hurts. And even walking hurts. Not nice. But yes, it does help to be reminded of what you know. I am doing my best to follow my own counsel. Not always easy, of course.

It has been almost a week now, and so far each day has been a little worse than the one before, which feels ominous to me. The osteopathy yesterday hasn't made a difference but I have another appointment tomorrow and another on Monday, and I have faith in my osteopath who has always been effective, so am hoping for improvement soon. I've been keeping going but am finding it difficult, especially the teaching. I'm holding off throwing in the towel because I know I'll feel worse if I do, but if it gets to the point where I have to, I'll have to. After this evening's class I'll have three days to get ready for Monday, or make alternative arrangements if that's necessary. I hope it won't be.

here is a response to what you told Suzanne in your other post. It is these deeply painful, challenging experiences that bring us to God, and I believe that is what they are 'for'. When we're in real, deep despair, that is when we surrender - and there God is. That was my experience around the time of my breast cancer diagnosis: I gave up thinking that my own strength was enough to get me through, and turned it over. And was held.

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi said:

'God's grace is always there. You imagine it to be something somewhere high up in the sky that has to descend, but really it is inside you, in your heart, and the moment you surrender the grace rushes forth, spouting as from a stream within you.'

And now I've sat too long. But I wanted to share this, and my response to your post, with you.
.

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Julie on 12/02/04 at 07:46 (165063)

Thank you, Suzanne!
.

Re: Julie & Dorothy

Kathy G on 12/02/04 at 11:35 (165083)

I, too, am so sorry to hear of your back problems, Julie, especially since you've just gotten your orthotics back and working so well for you. I hope that your osteopath can help you out. I don't know how you feel about drugs but can you take a pain pill or muscle relaxant? The pain in my neck was dreadful for the two months and I finally decided to do what I should have done in the first place. I took my muscle relaxant for about ten days straight. I didn't take it just when I felt I needed it, as I usally do, but on a regular basis. I also went to my chiropractor and while the pain isn't totally gone, it's now at a much more liveable level. Now I only take the muscle relaxant at night time. I hate taking it regularly as it makes me tired and forgetful. No doubt, no one notices it but me, but it makes me spacier than usual! :) I know that my back problems are not the same as yours but they're similar so perhaps something akin to this would help you.

Back pain, foot pain, arthritis pain, any chronic pain; they are all so unrelenting and can be so disheartening. You swear you won't let the pain get you down but it can become so hard to fight through it. One must find relief in whatever way one can. John's trick with the ottoman is one I've used for years when my lower back was acting up.

Dorothy, when you mention prayer and God, I think of my younger sister who is not traditionally religious but does pray. When her young husband lay dying, the hospital chaplain came to talk to her and she told him that she couldn't pray, even though she was trying. He told her that God viewed each of her teardrops as a prayer and he was looking over her. That really seemed to help her.

I took that to mean that every time I think of someone who's going through a tough time, even if I don't say a formal prayer, God views it as a prayer. And I think of you so often because your depression and despair come through to me and I so want to help you. Since I can't do it in person, I just think of you now and then during the day. I'm hoping that you begin to feel better and this bout will be over soon for you.

These boards are such a wonderful forum because we are never alone. We all support each other and care for each other and it's a wonderful little community!

Take care of yourselves and we'll all be thinking of you!

Re: Kathy

Julie on 12/02/04 at 16:35 (165096)

Thanks, Kathy. Yes, I've been knocking back the Ibuprofen and also tried Distalgesic (Co-Proxamol) for a day or so. The latter upset my tummy, made me giddy, and made me pee - constantly. I was up 8 times during last night. No more Distalgesic for me - just Ibuprofen, which doesn't really seem to touch the pain but presumably is doing something for the inflammation.

It's a beast, this thing - much the worst pain I've ever had.

Bed now - not looking forward to it as I am never comfortable, but somehow I do seem to sleep a bit. In between pees. :)
.

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Suzanne D. on 12/02/04 at 18:33 (165099)

Dorothy, thank you for sharing your experience. I've been there, too, and think I understand what you're saying. Sometimes I feel our deepest and best prayers may be one word utterances such as you described. It seems our very soul just cries out, and there are no words necessary. I have found at such times that an indescribable peace comes over me even while the circumstances that caused such despair did not change. I believe God provides strength and comfort when we cry out to Him in our times of need. And I believe He longs for us to be close to Him in our good and bad times. But you are right: it is just human nature that we turn to Him in our despair. As Julie said in a post to you, I think these times are used to help us grow stronger and bring us to better understanding of His love for us.

I am sorry that you feel both afraid and sad. I will continue praying for you - and Julie - and wish for you better days ahead. You don't need to ask for forgiveness for telling us about your pain and sadness. I would feel worse thinking that you were in despair yet refrained from telling us because you didn't want to bother anyone. If we can be of any comfort to you - and Julie - in these hard times, I know we all want to be.

Take care,
Suzanne :)

Re: Kathy

Carole C in NOLA on 12/02/04 at 22:19 (165103)

Take care, Julie! Sorry to hear that you are in such pain, and not being able to sleep makes for some awful, loooooong nights.

I really hope that getting your orthotics back will help your back to readjust and feel better.

Meanwhile, I don't have any suggestions to offer but you have my wholehearted sympathy! Here's to an early recovery.

Carole C

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Janice C on 12/02/04 at 22:36 (165104)

Julie & Dorothy, my heart goes out to you. One scripture that has given me comfort is Ps. 56:8. Our tears are so special, God has a bottle that He saves them in, and writes them in His book. I also think about Jesus how He went about constantly healing people even when He was tired. Living this life in a human body that deteriorates is a guarantee of pain in my opinion. Some experience it sooner than others, but it seems to be a part of this life. I have been praying for so many on this site too. It moves me to tears to read some of the posts. My foot pain is improved, but it hasn't been but a couple of months ago I was in the depths of despair with it. I haven't forgotten that. Some people on here have talked about crawling around the house. That is extremely sad to me. But we can still have purpose, God can still use us to bring glory to Himself, no matter what the circumstance, and it seems there is always someone He sends to us, to lift our spirits & help us cope a little while longer. He always has a purpose for us, but knows we are just dust, He understands our limitations in these 'earth suits'. I heard one man say that if everything was exactly as we wanted it in this life, we would never want to leave & go on to heaven, where thank the Lord, there is no pain, no tears. God bless you all. Janice C

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Dorothy on 12/03/04 at 00:09 (165105)

Thank you, Suzanne. You are just a dear person.

Re: Julie & Dorothy

Dorothy on 12/03/04 at 00:40 (165109)

Kathy G -

You wrote - 'And I think of you so often because your depression and despair come through to me and I so want to help you. Since I can't do it in person, I just think of you now and then during the day. I'm hoping that you begin to feel better and this bout will be over soon for you.'

But what you need to know is that you do help, all the time, so many people here, including me. Thank you.

Re: Julie and Dorothy...

Julie on 12/03/04 at 02:03 (165111)

Thank you, Janice!

Re: Carole

Julie on 12/03/04 at 02:07 (165112)

Many thanks, Carole. I'm grateful for your sympathy! I said yesterday that I was beginning to wonder if NOT having my orthotics for a few weeks contributed to/caused this bout. I certainly felt out of alignment all during that time, so suppose it could have. My husband said 'But this didn't happen till you got your orthotics back', but I doubt that could be the reason - the new ones are exactly the same as the old ones. Fortunately I am having the old ones revamped, so I shall always have a spare pair now. I know you are also a satisfied wearer of orthotics and that you understand!
.

Re: Suzanne

Julie on 12/03/04 at 02:13 (165113)

Suzanne, your post to Dorothy reminded me of a letter I had from a friend at the time of my cancer diagnosis. She wrote 'When you know you need help you have to ask for it, but you have to REALLY ask. Knock, and the door shall be opened.' That's what I did, and that's what happened, and peace that you describe was mine, and from there on I simply went through the experience knowing that I had all the support and help that I needed, that there was a strength outside and beyond me that I could trust. I felt - held. That trust has never left me (though sometimes it feels a bit distant) and it's one of the blessings I am most grateful for that came with the experience of cancer.

It's helpful to think about this now, as it reminds me that I got through that (not to mention PF :) ) and I shall get through this, too!

Thank you everyone for being here.
.

Re: Julie

Cyndi on 12/04/04 at 07:21 (165170)

I know you mentioned trying alot of things and the ottoman helped.
Haved your tried laying on your side with a pillow between your knees?
I am sure you have done this, it just has not been mentioned that I saw.

Laying on my side helps me so much when my back hurts also, and that is mostly the way I sleep. Happy Saturday!

Re: Cyndi

Julie on 12/04/04 at 09:34 (165176)

Thanks for your two posts and your friendly concern. Yes, I have been sleeping with a pillow between my knees. The sleeping situation is that I can sleep only on one side, and not on my back or the other side, and even the side I can sleep on hurts! After I've been in that unchanged position for a couple of hours I can't bear it and have to get up and do various things to calm myself down: my ice-and-heat alternating routine (5 minutes of each, finishing with ice), relaxation tape, gentle stretching, etc etc. After a couple of hours I go back to bed though not, usually, to sleep.

But this too shall pass! Your question about diagnosis - see my today's post to Dorothy, below (or above).

Thanks again!
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