Time for a funny - Long post-but funnyPosted by Richard,C.Ped on 12/18/04 at 08:19 (165828)
Top 249 Ways to
0. Post a 20 page post
1. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'to go.'
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will 'swipe your grub.'
4. Name your dog 'Dog.'
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up.'
6. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what you think.'
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training.'
8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way.'
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write 'X - BURIED TREASURE' in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?', 'What?', 'Never mind, it's gone now.'
24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to 'John Aaaaasmith' for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each 'a.'
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing.'
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
40. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!'
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend.'
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about 'psychological profiles.'
44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sensual massage.'
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and 'cc.' them to your boss.
53. Finish all your sentences with the words 'in accordance with prophecy.'
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' flip the ink cartridge across the room.
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a 'croaking' noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation either
63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce 'No, wait, I messed it up,' and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of 'Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip..'
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences with 'Ohh la la!'
76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's 'Metal Machine Music.'
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as 'Conquistador.'
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling, sing 'Jingle bells, Batman smells' until physically restrained.
85. Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent One.'
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
87. Sing the 'This is the song that never ends' song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. 'Forget' the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'real hoot.'
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes.'
95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad,' the Archies' 'Sugar,' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to 'interface' with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as 'sticky wicket isn't cricket.'
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture.'
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own pretend 'tricorder,' and 'scan' people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say 'okay, you're gay' to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say 'Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention.'
109. Say to people, 'Did you wear deodorant today?'
110. Place your shoes on the table.
111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a 'high-class person,' ask them, 'Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off.'
113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn 'Ice Ice Baby' by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word 'cornucopia' into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, 'I guess I must kinda be a natural.'
140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say 'Yo, wazzup?' a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word 'the.'
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on 'Weird Al' sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, 'I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!' Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, 'Can I help you?' reply, 'No thanks, just browsing.'
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, 'He was here a minute ago, officer!'
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
173. Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it's longer.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say 'Hi,' 'Hello Sir, how are you?' or 'Have a good day, thank you.'
180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a 'High-class rich person' and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
189. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. 'I'm Bob, nice to meet you...' 'PROVE IT!')
190. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout 'I win!'.
192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are 'just reorganizing things.'
193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
194. Call every girl you know 'dude'.
195. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is 'Just better quality'
197. Press the 'power' button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.
199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.
200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
202. Recite shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and ask them if they can 'please put the crust on top this time' in an exasperated voice.
205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask 'Is that a threat?'
206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, 'Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?'
208. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone and say, 'Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?' And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence with 'Monkey See, Monkey Do'.
212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your 'free' refills.
216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, 'Have you got enough air in there?'
217. While going down in an elevator scream, 'AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!' for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain 'the little green men' in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220.. Call your neighbors collect.
221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, 'And then what happened?'
222. Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like 'If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly' and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, 'Do you know the muffin man?'
226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, 'Whoa, I never knew I had this!'
228. While driving if you see a 'How am I driving' bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
230. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, 'I know.'
232. Sending this list to all of your friends through email. :-)
233. Continue to ask someone, 'Is this annoying? Is this annoying?' over and over and over.
234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
235. Begin every sentence with, 'By the Gods!'
236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling 'I don't see your name on it!'.
237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, 'This isn't what I ordered!'
239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers 'I must avenge the death of my father.'
243. Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.
244. Super Glue quarters to floors.
245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers and say 'Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop.'
247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people
Re: ***MILK THROUGH THE NOSE WARNING***Richard,C.Ped on 12/18/04 at 08:25 (165829)
Don't say I did not warn you.
Re: ***MILK THROUGH THE NOSE WARNING***Kathy G on 12/18/04 at 09:30 (165831)
It just goes on ...and on.....and on....! Some pretty good ones, there, Richard. :) I actually knew a boy who had a glass eye (or maybe it was plastic?) and one time when a group of kids were taunting him a typical neighborhood squabble, he said, 'Yeah, well I bet none of you can do this!' And he pulled the eye out! Needless to say, they never bothered him again!
I'll bet it's a pretty exciting at your house this time of year, huh? Are your children enjoying the season? Are you and your wife surviving? Thanks for the laughs!
Re: Time for a funny - Long post-but funnyDorothy on 12/18/04 at 10:16 (165833)
You made a bunch of people in my house laugh really hard this Saturday morning. I wish you could have heard the results of your great gift! Warning: I have been known to fall in love with guys who make me laugh!!
No, wait, let me try that again:
Thank you, Richard, for the gigantic delight.
Re: ***MILK THROUGH THE NOSE WARNING***wendyn on 12/19/04 at 00:20 (165845)
Excellent Richard. I didn't get the milk through my nose, but very enjoyable just the same!
Re: ***MILK THROUGH THE NOSE WARNING***Richard, C.Ped on 12/20/04 at 07:53 (165871)
I just read through it again. How funny!!
We are having a blast with the kids this year. We decorated the tree with all the glass/fragile ornaments at the top, and all the plastic kid ornaments on the bottom. My daughter is all about princess stuff. My son, who is only one, will have more fun with boxes and wrapping paper.
Re: Richard and ChristmasKathy G on 12/20/04 at 09:20 (165876)
I thought this would be a neat Christmas. You're right. Your son will enjoy the lights and the general party atmosphere but it will be overwhelming to him. My daughter was thirteen months old her first Christmas and her favorite thing was the boxes and the Christmas wrap.
We used to do the same with our tree. My husband and I bought wooden ornaments and painted them with non-toxic paint and we put those ornaments on the bottom of the tree. My son was nine months his first Christmas and was walking and drooling like crazy. We still have some ornaments that show the results of him putting the ornaments in his mouth.
It was neat, though, because they were able to take the ornaments off the tree and put them back on and not get into trouble.
We still put some of the ornaments on the tree but most of them are in a box for them to take when they have children of their own.
Enjoy the holidays with them, Richard. It was nice to see your post!